stuff at the moment

I believe it is a woman’s duty to feel like things are in turmoil if things in general are smooth and consistent and good. There needs to be fluctuation, pressure, chaos for things to feel familiar.

Case in point – My fiance, John, and I have a happy life. We like each other (which isn’t always true of people who love each other), we’ve got a great thing going on, our lives are in a comfortable-ish groove (things could be better, but they could definitely be much worse). We have a lot to look forward to and a lot to be satisfied with at the moment. So why do I find it so compelling,  since there’s been no change in our lives for a while, to assume that the sky must be falling and that I need to do something about it?

I’ve recently taken my obsessiveness, previously reserved for wedding planning, to a whole new level that includes condo-shopping (we have no savings and ehhh credit), searching for weight loss miracles, and general fiance nit-picking. I can only blame PMS for so many unfounded bouts of insanity. Is this normal? Is it because I’m a Pisces? Does this warrant therapy? Or do I just need more friends to vent with. Wait, I have a BLOG! Blogs are free, therapy is not.

My issue is that I’ve been in a pretty constant state of turmoil and change of one kind or another for the past, hmmm, 10 years or so. It’s been either a new apartment, a new job, a new man, a new town, or all of the above all at the same time. So it’s strange for me to be coming up on my one-year review at my job, or being loved by the same  guy who loved me almost two years ago. That sounds awful, but I don’t know any other way to say it. It’s not a bad kind of strange, but if you’d asked me a few years ago where I thought I’d be now, there’s no way I would have imagined I’d be getting married and settling down, living in the suburbs and commuting to Boston every day and being (generally) happy about it. I’ve just always been used to things not panning out as I’d hoped for them to. And now here they are. Panned-out. Comfortable. Still.

But it’s hard to ignore the surging idea that change is the new black (thank you Obama) and that there’s a better version of your life just over the horizon, but only if you reach for it. What a wonderful thought, but can’t this girl just BE for a while? I’m making it my personal mission in the coming weeks to chill out and not obsess over things that aren’t broke and don’t need fixed. This girl is just going to sit here. Happy. Like a bump on a log. Watch me.

my first…

I’ve never blogged before outside of Myspace. Myspace is shameful enough, let alone blogging on it. I don’t yet understand the allure of reading what someone else thinks is so important that they must broadcast it to the world, or whoever feels like reading it. My very wonderful friend Toni told me about her blog where she writes about her day-to-day life as a way to let people in, a type of talk-therapy and also self-reinforcement. I figured why not try it. Maybe it will get me to be more open about things, more conversational, or at the very least, allow people to keep tabs on me who I might not talk with on the most frequent basis. 

There are things I want to do more often, or better, and hopefully talking about it and having people read it will force me into being more active. I want to be creative again, less lazy. Since I graduated art school I have made zero art. It’s been 4 years since I finished classes at Montserrat and while I have thought about being creative and done my fair share of brainstorming, I haven’t made a thing. 

I’m also planning my wedding, an activity I wish upon no one. It’s been fun and creative at times but I’m seriously hoping this is the only wedding I ever put together (for the horrors of planning this shiz as well as reasons of faithfulness, love, devotion, etc etc etc). 

Lastly, this fatty is on a weight loss quest. Falling in love and being comfortable with someone is a beautiful thing, but not so comfortable that you gain 30lbs. It’s not so pretty once it gets to that point. I recently joined Healthworks, a women’s only gym, and I’m doing pretty good so far (I say as I scrape the last bit of Ben&Jerry’s strawberry cheesecake ice cream from the bottom of the carton). Going to the gym is half the battle, right?

I am not calling this blog-writing, weight loss, wedding planning attempts at creativity a resolution, because I firmly believe that when you call something a resolution it is bound to fail. So let’s just call this a little nothing, that way I don’t screw it up too soon.

 

Here’s to blog post #2!!!!